Chile, because married people are putting all their business out there in the streets!
By now you have all already caught up with the Will Smith/Jada Pinkett Smith/August Alsina situation and it’s a lot. I have to admit that their whole situation did not play out how I thought it would but I would like to highlight a few things that stood out to me and what can be taken from this situation in terms of how we conduct our relationships.
For me the first thing I want to point out is where Jada is absolutely wrong in this situation and it blows my mind that when bringing herself to the Red Table Talk, she didn’t even acknowledge how wrong she was. You would think with all that therapizing of situations, she would recognize her fault in this.
To me, it’s very simple. Jada took advantage of August and the situation he was in and we can’t overlook that by saying they were consenting adults. We cannot sit here and not acknowledge the very clear power and social dynamics at play here at that these imbalances put Jada in the position to know better. August was so young when he came to the Smith family, he needed both physically and emotionally help and Jada crossed the line when they made it more than that – she should have been the bigger person and prioritized his wellbeing.
The power and social dynamics I am talking about is that Jada is one half of one of the most powerful couples in Hollywood, and by extension the world (they have been #CoupleGoals for so many people over the years), and that unequal dynamic can’t be ignored. Jada took advantage, consent or not, and she never even acknowledged that. Could you imagine if this situation was reversed and this was Will who had a relationship with a 22-year-old who came to his house for help……….
Now imbalances happen in all relationships and that isn’t to say you can’t date a 22 year old (although…..) but in this situation, August was going to them for help – that was the basis, a place he could be vulnerable and get help and Jada crossed the line because she was in the power position. Think about how unethical it would be for a therapist to date a patient, or for a priest to start a relationship with a young girl who came to the church in need of help battling a drug addiction – we can see as clear as day why those instances would be wrong and it would be seen as predatory and taking advantage of someone who came needing help. He came in and was treated as family, as a son – this was completely inappropriate.
Now in the #RTT, Will and Jada say that their relationship was pretty much over and Will had even told her that she can go ahead and do what makes her happy and he will do the same. That’s when Jada started her relationship with August. She admits she was in a lot of pain (after Will dumped her) and “wanted to feel good” as she hasn’t felt good in a long time. My problem here is that it’s extremely problematic to use a person to facilitate your own healing. People aren’t to be used as a classroom for you to learn and heal. She says how much she learnt from that “entanglement” – almost forgetting that she was dealing with a human being who had emotions and fell in love with her. I mean she was self-aware enough to know she has a saviour complex but didn’t do anything to prevent herself from being in the situation. They could have gotten August all the help without being directly involved in his healing process but just offer support.
While all of that was happening, her and Will decided to work it out because they realized that couldn’t get away from each other and I guess essentially belong together and August was left with a broken heart.
Now I can hear a lot of people saying August was wrong for getting into a relationship with a married woman and I guess you are right – he shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with a woman who was still very much married (just broken up with her husband) and Jada shouldn’t have brought in him to whatever situation she and Will had going on. I also don’t think they were separated in the legal sense – I truly believe they were going through a rough patch and didn’t finalise anything and that’s why they were able to work on coming back to each other.
Now the “streets” want to tell us how wrong August was to put this story out there and that he should have kept his mouth shut, but we can’t dictate to people how and when they should share about the things they have been through.
As a Christian, I could go to lengths about my views on marriage but I will simply say that it a covenant that two people make in the presence of God and it stays between the two of them – monogamous. Now Will and Jada have never said that they are Christian or that they even prescribe to marriage as in the Bible so I can’t put my view on them seeing as how they have chosen to define it for themselves. But here are a few key principles of relationships I have observed.
Let’s look at the beginning here. In earlier episodes Jada talks about how she never wanted to get married and that it was her mom and Will who convinced her and she reluctantly went along with it. She even said that her mom is old school and that Will wanted a family (seeing how his first marriage didn’t work out). Now that’s important to me because if she was someone who never bought into the idea of marriage, doing it just to make other people happy was never going to make her happy. I truly believe that they do love each other but marriage was never on her heart.
Marriage will not work when the two people are unequally yoked. When values systems don’t align, you are bound to find yourself in trouble because there will be a person who compromises at the expense of self in order to keep the other person happy. I remember reading an interview where Jada said she felt suffocated by what she saw as “unrealistic expectations of the conventional marriage paradigm”. Now I have seen people make the argument that it was Jada who wanted to have an open marriage and that Will simply went along with it – that troubles me because if its true, Will was so desperate to have this “perfect family” that he agreed to redefine the marriage. In the same interview Jada talks about how she and Will redefined their relationship and that its more of a partnership and that “he doesn’t belong to me. I don’t own him. He doesn’t own me.”
Jada and Will had a lot of nerve though calling her relationship with August an “entanglement” and an “interaction”, that was just so petty. Using 2 Timothy 2:4 as a picture, we can say that those who are called into a life of marriage, should not concern themselves with things outside world so as to not be entangled by them. They should conduct themselves so as to be pleasing to God. It is sad to me that there can be so much “boredom” in marriages that people start to traffic other people into their marriage. I truly believe that the beauty and mystery of marriage is the exclusivity.
I have always personally maintained that should I get married; cheating is a deal breaker for me and Jesus gives an out because I think we are simply not built to endure cheating. That isn’t to say people can’t work it out in their marriages, but it certainly was never God’s intention for people to have to endure that. The problem is that we always pervert God’s ideals.
What was also really wild to me is that Will said to Jada he was going to get her back and her saying he already did…….so like their marriage is a tit for tat?! I couldn’t imagine having any type of relationship that had payback as a basis – that is so unhealthy and toxic. Honestly, if you feel like you have to do all of that, then you might as well just cut it off.
To me cheating is really just a surface issue, it’s a symptom to a deeper issue emotionally and mentally – cheating is just the manifesting of that. So, the question is what was happening between them that she went and had a relationship with someone else? I mean she says she was hurting and wanted to feel good, but that speaks to something deeper. So, the root issue needs to be examined of what led here there in order to heal and why it had to be done by using someone.
Truth is all relationships people deal with loneliness, trauma, discouragement, frustration etc…. but the question is who do you go to, to get comfort when you are dealing with those issues with your spouse? See if God is not your source of comfort and holiness is not a priority for you, naturally you will go look for that comfort outside your marriage.
People need to heal and function in their marriages when going through challenging times in ways that are honouring to God and their spouse because you are under covenant and it needs to be honoured.
Last thing I want to say is that I have never bought into this lie that marriage is this difficult thing and that in order to have marriage and love you have to go through terrible, traumatic things. It’s a lie to think that this is what endurance means (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) because the Bible tells us all the things love is and trauma and dishonouring is not part of it.
When Jada said, “any relationship and trying to get to deeper understanding of love is going to be forged in fire”, I realised that it was nonsense. Like are we telling people they need to walk through the valley of the shadow of death for their marriages? I have never understood and bought into that logic – I simply refuse. Yes relationships need work, but not forging by fire…..this isn’t Lord of the Rings!
What was clearly evident to me is how hurt Will is. Now they can sit there and high five each (cant believe they said “bad marriage for life”……like what?!) and talk about how it happened so long ago but the pain is still evident….or maybe its irritation.
The look on Will’s face when he talks about how long they have been together…….that was just sad.
Let me leave this topic before people tell me I have no business talking about this since I’m not married.
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