So who is responsible?

Yes, yes. I know! Not ALL men. But when an issue becomes systematic and has a high likelihood of occurring we speak in broad terms. It’s also condescending for you to believe that women lack the intelligence to know that not every man on the planet is violent and dangerous. We know this. We’re just not interested in spending time on semantics in order to protect fragile egos of men.

Those you know me know that I have never been interested in people wanting to derail conversation because their feelings are hurt. Women and children are dying, that’s what matters to me most.

Let me give you an everyday example. When we talk of race, and the effects of white supremacy on our lives, it is understood that we are referring to systems of oppression, rather than specific individuals. The same why black men get irritated when white people say “I’m not racist, I have black friends” when discussing racism is exactly what they do when they “not all men” us.

There is an inherent privilege in being able to assert, that a whole world of women should be sure to remember that YOU are a decent human being. We are talking about the experiences of millions of women. Instead of opening your eyes and seeing how dangerous the world is for us, your concern was that YOU aren’t a rapist or murderer and you need everyone to know that.

I do not understand what the expectation is here is the face of overwhelming evidence. A woman is murdered every four hours in South Africa, half of whom die at the hands of their intimate partners. Moreover, a health survey carried out by Stats SA reveals that 21% of women over 18 in South Africa – or one in five women – have experienced violence by their partner. For 17% of young women, between 18 and 24 years old, partner violence is something they’ve experienced in the previous 12 months. Women between the ages of 14 and 29 accounted for about 39% of femicides, and African women accounted for about 78% of these. Almost 61% of femicides took place at the women’s homes.

Women are afraid of men. Men are afraid of men as well. Its why when you listen to men talk, they always make mention of how they would rather have boy children then girl children because of how scary the world is. It means they also understand how this world treats women. How men treat women. Ask yourself why you would never take your young daughter into the men’s bathroom, but have full confidence that your young son is safe in a public toilet full of women.

So I was having a conversation with a group of friends and we were talking about #MenAreTrash from a Christian point of view and what is to be done about this (I’ve mentioned that I am a born again Christian and that frames my reference to all things). There is no room to be caught up in the semantics and to “not all” in the face of everything we see. When we think of men and the position they hold in how God designed and intended family to be, we see that this is a problem. The state of men is a problem and there are bigger spiritual consequences.

When women are being attacked, it alters their view of who men are, which isn’t wrong because in the face of all of this, it’s easy to see why women want nothing to do with men. On men it’s in the sense that they abuse their position of being leaders, protectors, providers and therefore the whole design is under attack. God’s plan and idea of marriage and family is under attack.

God never intended it to be this way.

I am not going to talking about the criminal element here (which is very important), but the sin element.

Gods design is men seeing women as Christ’s fellow image-bearers, worthy of respect and not about dominating or abusing women, but also men finding their worth and dignity as men. Anything that does not mirror this is wrong. We are seeing it happen, men sinning against God by how they treat women.

Let me tell what I mean by saying the whole design is under attack and why there ae bigger spiritual consequences.

The male was firstborn. You might think that this fact is trivial but I know that nothing in scripture is insignificant. The firstborn son held a unique role and position in the Hebrew family. He ranked highest after his father and carried the weight of the father’s authority.

So when we apply this we know that God made Adam first. He was the firstborn—the head of the human race. He carried the weight of responsibility for the oversight and well-being of the human family. So when the human race fell, God held Adam responsible. The New Testament bluntly states, “In Adam all die” (1 Corinthians 15:22). The Lord held Eve personally responsible for her sin. But He held Adam responsible for smearing the entire human race with his. We can already begin to see the importance of Adam. The Old Testament sketches the outline, but the New Testament colours it in.

A man’s authority is unique to what it means to be a man. A woman’s authority is unique to what it means to be a woman. The man was firstborn, but had no kin. If a man obeys God’s Word in terms of how he lives and treats others, he has shown himself to be a man indeed. This is because they stand for righteousness, they act in strength, and they obey God’s Word. This is manhood to the max. They treat women with honour.

Masculinity is given by God to men, and men must live it out biblically rather than perverting it and redefining it in worldly, carnal, and selfish terms. Any other definition is why we constantly talk about how fragile masculinity is because it’s based on random things.

Biblical manhood is a matter of the heart, and it is manifested and matured by a commitment and obedience to the Word of God. Real men are men of integrity, internal strength in Christ, and courage, willing to do what is right and to stand for truth at all times and in all circumstances.

God created woman from the side of man, so she’s made of the same stuff—equal to man. But He didn’t create her at the same time, place, or from dust, so she’s also different. Male and female are equal and different.

God made them to complement each other.

For most of us, the idea of women being created “for” men sounds somewhat negative, since it appears to imply that he has license to use and abuse her at will. But the Hebrew preposition carries no such overtones. It simply denotes direction. She was created for—that is, toward or with reference to him. And because of all that God had put and taught him, he needed you to exist in order for him to do as God instructed.

Now like I said, men and women are different but equal. We complement each other. If you think about the union of man and woman and how God intended it to be, instruction was given to both, “be fruitful and multiply”. This, at its most basic level shows how much we need each other, with no one being better than the other.

The problem here is the current state of the nation. We see that men, stepping away from God, have led us to the point of saying #MenAreTrash. The actions of men is what is causing women to say #MenAreTrash. From a Christian and spiritual point of view, there a bigger consequences here to the actions of men against women and children.

So what happens now? What do we do? Whose responsibility is it to fix things? It would seem that it lies squarely on the shoulders of men. Because what else can women do besides pray? You all need to do better, seriously, not like how it’s become a South African male proverb. This means that men need to seek God, get help and make sure they are in line with Gods design. Till then, the number one song will be #MenAreTrash


Fake it till you make it?

The voice doesn’t discriminate—it whispers during times of success and times of failure. It has no respect for degrees, accomplishments or words of encouragement. It meticulously catalogues all the negative words ever uttered about you (both real and imagined). The voice knows just when to tear at your confidence.

Imposter Syndrome – It is a burden

Many people struggle with the imposter syndrome. It really is because we don’t believe that we deserve to be where we are. It’s the idea that someone like you, someone like me shouldn’t be where they are in life. This can in your career, relationships, education……It is a way of consistently believing we arrived at our state of achievement by mistake. The thing that is most difficult about struggling with the imposter syndrome is the belief that any achievement is by luck or undeserved good fortune and that at any minute it will disappear and expose us were a fake all along.

For me, this resulted in me dismissing any successes I had as I thought that I merely tricked others but I could never trick myself. I thought even if I did make it, I didn’t deserve it. Imposter syndrome is weird because here you have God himself telling you how special and talented you are and you are just like “whatever, you’re only saying that to spare my feelings”

Imposter syndrome is the reason we quit early, before we have the chance to disappoint. Imposter syndrome is the reason we never step fully into our call, because we feel like a fraud. It keeps us from being vulnerable to others, because we’re too afraid of being found out.

It’s a very powerful lie.

Imposter syndrome is not based on truth, it is not based on the truth of who God says you are. There is a portion of scripture that shows why we should not believe the lie. Let’s start with the portion of scripture most of us are familiar with, Jeremiah 1:5, which says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

I think it’s important for us to learn from Jeremiah’s call: God began by telling Jeremiah that he was formed by God, known by God, set apart by God, and appointed to serve God. When Jeremiah protests that he isn’t adequate, the LORD says, “I am making you adequate. I’m equipping you with all that you need to follow me in faith and proclaim my message.”

Another scripture that shows a key point is in Luke 5. In Luke 5, Jesus reveals his identity to Peter by filling his nets with fish. Peter had toiled all night long with nothing to show for it, until suddenly his nets were bursting.

When Peter witnessed this miracle, his eyes were opened. He fell on his knees and plead, “Oh, Lord, please leave me—I’m too much of a sinner to be around you.” (v. 8). In that moment, Peter felt exposed, ashamed and unworthy. He knew the many, many ways he fell short, and his response was to hide. But here’s what’s interesting. Jesus doesn’t respond with encouragement. There’s no, “Oh honey, you are perfect just the way you are!” or “You don’t have to feel ashamed around me! I’m Jesus!”

No, Jesus doesn’t coddle Peter. In fact, he hardly acknowledges Peter’s fears at all before shifting the focus entirely. Instead Jesus replies, “’Don’t be afraid! From now on you’ll be fishing for people!’ And as soon as they landed, they left everything and followed Jesus.” (v. 10-11). These words cut to the heart of imposter syndrome. The core problem isn’t that you feel bad about yourself. The core problem is this: Imposter syndrome is a distraction from action.

I imagine that a form of imposter syndrome is also common in the church, self-doubt about whether we’re really worthy enough to do anything for God. “I’m really not spiritual enough, I’m good enough or holy enough. I really don’t know the Bible enough to teach Sunday school, to lead a Bible study. I’m not pure enough or qualified enough to do x, y, or z in the church. I don’t pray enough. I don’t volunteer enough. I don’t donate enough. I don’t even write enough.”

Imposter syndrome does this by keeping your eyes fixed on your inadequacy and as long as you’re preoccupied with your inability, rather than God’s ability, you will live a life of fearful restraint. Basically imposter syndrome stands between you and following God’s call. It convinces you that you’re not good enough, or able enough, to which Luke 5 reminds us, “It was never about you in the first place.”

We must confront the Imposter Syndrome at its core, we all have a purpose God intentionally designed for us to live out: “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”

The lies against our true identity easily take root because we are not perfect. We are our own worst critic. Even when we aren’t overly critical, but just objectively so, we will always find shortcomings. How insidious that our flesh and the enemy work together to turn those behavioural shortcomings into false identity statements!

How, then, do we disarm the power of Imposter Syndrome? I think 2 Corinthians 10:5 has one answer: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Normally, we think of strongholds as behaviours, but this would suggest that strongholds are false beliefs – thoughts that are contrary to the knowledge of God. Someone might know “God loves me” but act in a way that says “I’m unlovable”.

When imposter syndrome takes hold of you, you take hold of it. Make it obedient to Christ, who died on the cross to justify your belonging. By the blood of Christ, you belong—you belong in the church, you belong in your calling, and you belong anywhere else on this planet that God wants you to be. So don’t look at the people around you, don’t look at your shortcomings, and don’t even look at yourself. Just look at Jesus, and move.

Discovering the truth about who we are will only get us so far. For many of us, the lies we have heard have been silencing the truth for a long time. It will take some healthy reminders―and time―to be able to readily call out a lie and, ultimately, believe what is true.

A few things you can practically do: Invite others to help you change the narrative you believe about yourself. Place written reminders in places you can see them often. Take time to journal some true thoughts at the end of the day. Write out what lies you are tempted to believe―then cross them out and write down what is true. Here are a few examples:

1. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. – Philippians 4:13. It’s about God’s abilities, not yours or mine.

2. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. – Ephesians 2:10

There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work. – 1 Corinthians 12:6-7

3. God has already uniquely created, called, and equipped you and me. He has prepared good works (for example, a particular coaching relationship) for us to walk in.

4. Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others.

The point is I could continue to make it all about me, my insecurities, my lack, my anxiety about not measuring-up. Or I could believe God’s truth. It doesn’t matter whether I “feel” it to be true or not. It is true. So I choose to lean into it, trust it, and act on it.

So it’s not about the principle but likeability ?

HOLLYWOOD – MARCH 07:Actress Mo’Nique, winner of Best Supporting Actress award for “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire,” poses in the press room at the 82nd Annual Academy Awards held at Kodak Theatre on March 7, 2010 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

I have just come to the conclusion that people care more for the person who is delivering the message more than the principle which is garbage. People must just tell us that they hate Monique and spare us the garbage hot takes. Let me give you the back story, in case you don’t know it. Netflix wanted to offer Monique $500 000 for a comedy special. She called for a boycott of Netflix because she felt that the pay was not fair. We all then found out that Amy Schumer received $12 million dollars for hers. Monique felt that the amount they wanted to give her was ridiculous given what Amy was given. Ever since Monique said this, it’s been garbage hot take after another.

So the question has been whether she should get more, I say yes because they gave Amy $12 million. Last year, they gave Amy I think $10 million and she went back to ask for more based on the fact that Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle were getting even more. And I remember that because all the black people were livid because how on earth can she possibly compare herself to Chris and Dave. She is nowhere near as funny or accomplished as them. Like to this day I still don’t get it. But anyway…..

When all of this was happening white feminism was all about it because equal pay, she got an increase to $12 million and what blows my mind is that she came back after the fact and said she didn’t care about equal pay, she just wanted more money. She even said she shouldn’t get the same pay as them because they are legends. But she demanded more and got it.

So if they can give Amy $12 million for a Netflix special, that flopped by the way, they can afford to give Monique more as well. Half a million dollars is a spit in the face for someone who has won an Oscar…..are you serious!? And her resume is at least 3 times longer than Amy’s. She is more accomplished. That is just a fact.

Like we as black people tend to throw each other under the bus and be dismissive with each other. We were all ready to clap and be all about black excellence when she won the Oscar and all the other awards with it and then we don’t hear from her for years because Lee Daniels said “she didn’t play the game” (which aggravates me) and now we want to dismiss what she is saying.

I appreciate what Monique has done for black female comedians and she makes a good point that if she take $500 000, what will they offer Tiffany Haddish? And this is the point. Tiffany would never see millions and she has been out here beasting. Amy has not been lit or popping out here for years, let’s keep it a BUCK!

That gap…..that gap is ridiculous. $500 000 to $12 million….that’s disrespectful!

People are taking their personal feelings about Monique and it’s because you agree with Oprah and Lee Daniels but please….be serious! All these feelings don’t add up to the fact that a black woman, as accomplished as her, is to be paid peanuts compared to Amy…..its nonsense! We talk about wage gaps between white women and men but suddenly when it’s a black women, y’all are talking wild reckless.

She has an Oscar good people, like are y’all serious!!! I don’t care that people don’t like her, it’s about the principle! Black women stayed getting low balled. Do ya’ll know Taraji had to pay for her own hotel out of her own pocket when filming Benjamin Button? Why is that?!

People don’t like Monique. That’s the point. Her words and what she is saying is not wrong. Remember when Tracee was talking about the gap between her and Anthony was too wide and needed to be adjusted, everyone came out in support of her. Tracee was not wrong. Do your googles and know how accomplished she is, it’s not ridiculous that she should be making more than she is. But because people like Tracee it was easy to support her.

Octavia Spencer just came out and said Jessica Chastain helped her negotiate after she saw how much Octavia was getting and Octavia ended up getting five times more than what they originally offered her. 5 TIMES!!!!!!! She has been nominated four 4 Oscars?! Like do ya’ll not see it!?

Like Viola Davis just came out and said if people want to call her the black Meryl Streep but won’t pay her like Meryl and ya’ll clapped. Monique is saying the exact same thing. Just say you hate her and interrogate why you hate her and move on.

Like are ya’ll for real?! Just say you hate this black women because she is loud and unapologetic, wont “play the game” and let that rock! Do you guys realise that when people win an Oscar their prices IMMEDIATELY goes up! Even beyond the price, anytime they are mentioned it “academy award winning actor……” even when you are nominated!!!

So what is the point of winning them?!

The fact that she didn’t get that boost after winning should tell ya’ll something is wrong here! If I didn’t know how much they were paying Amy, my question would be what she wanted to get…….but we have a scale now which garbage.
We are talking about fair pay, about gas lighting, about the abuse of power, about the space loud black women are afforded in comparison to their counterparts.

Like I said earlier, people can disregard a true message if they don’t like the package. It’s because Monique is loud, aggressive, curses and demands what she is entitled to and people don’t like that. She is saying what countless have said but in a more palatable way. And when we talk about “she deserves $500 000” remember that the market is what we tell it and it constantly undervalues black women. People want to say she isn’t popping… guys do know you can create demand. That’s why there is promotion and build up… its done all the time.

Monique has left her critics with no rebuttals, why? Because what she is saying is right

Monique mentions that the $500 000 included a “tail and non-compete”. A tail is something that prevents you from doing anything else after the agreement is done, it has a time limit. So essentially, Monique would have been restricted from making any other specials during that tail. So that $500 000 would really be for three years, making it about $150 000 a year. You see how that amount is not making any type of sense?! This might explain why Amy is so low key….maybe she is waiting for her tail to end. But it’s easier to wait out the tail of your contract when you have $12 million.

Truth is Monique is not just doing this for herself. In this moment it’s selfish, but in will set a precedent. I remember watching a Jay Z interview on The Breakfast Club, and when he described Kanye West, he said “Kanye is like the cowboy in the old movies. The one that runs over the hill and gets shot by a bunch of Indians with arrows and then comes back. He comes back staggering with arrows sticking out of him all crazy and he says ‘there are a lot of f***ing Indians over there’ and now we know”

I am just tired of it always having to be a black woman.

Like I said you may not like her, but she is not wrong. The principle should matter more than being likeable.

Oh Mother ♥.

IMG_20141120_112400I really enjoy going to therapy. I found my therapist after many failed attempts and I am so glad I kept looking because she has been great over the past year. One day we will talk about mental health and how it’s handled by the saints, my experience has been…..interesting to say the least. The way we discuss and treat people who suffer from mental illness as Christians leaves a lot to be desired but that is a post for another day.

My therapist and I have been talking a lot about my mother and what that relationship was like and as I was about to turn 30, I realised a lot about her and our relationship. I know certain members of my family don’t like that I write and don’t like me writing anything about the past, no matter how carefully and lovingly I do it. I know many of them would rather I not mention anything about the past. But if they really knew me, they would know I am going to do it anyway.

I love my mother. I will always love my mother. She has taught me so much, and I am so grateful. My mother was an amazing person who did amazing things for people, but she was often the best mom she knew how to be as opposed to the mom I needed her to be. Mother/daughter relationships are complicated only because we are taught that moms and their daughters are supposed to be best friends and sometimes it doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes our mothers are not the best thing to happen to us. Sometimes are mothers are the same people who turn a blind eye to the evils we face, they are even the same people who hurt us.

There is something sacred about mother/daughter relationships that leave many women feeling empty and less whole when a mother is absent from their life. My therapist says having a difficult relationship with your mother can cause issues in one’s life and I have seen it play out in my own life. I couldn’t explain it before but now I have a clear understanding of some of the harm it can cause.

The point of looking at these wounds isn’t to complain or throw up our hands in despair at the cards we were dealt but to become conscious and aware of them. Consciousness is the first step in healing. All too often, we simply accept certain behaviours in ourselves without knowing their point of origin.

It’s an unspoken taboo to talk about it but some of us have difficult moms. It’s a reality that we find hard to share, but it’s true. Especially in our Christian culture, we don’t want others to misjudge us as unloving or unforgiving daughters. But God knows our hurts and He understands the complexities of human relationships, especially when they are broken.

They have and had their reasons but sometimes we need to admit that many of us have been failed by our mothers. It’s hard to admit that you struggle in your relationship with your mother, it may also be difficult to admit that you even do not like your mother because we are not supposed to feel that way about our mothers. The truth is some people are working through things that their mothers put them through. They were selfish, failed to protect and nurture us.

It can be a fulfilling and draining relationship all at the same time.

It was years after she died that I came to understand how complicated our relationship truly was. Coming to terms with my mother’s death is hard, even after all these years and the truth is I mourn because of the void that is left because of the relationship we had when she was alive. I cry because I never got to know her………. I lost my mom long before she died. I often wonder how different my life would have been if my mother hadn’t passed away when I was a young girl.

I wish I could sit and talk to my mother as the adult that I am now. I would love to know what she was like in high school, what were some of her favourite things to do. I would love to know what her wildest biggest and brightest dreams for herself were. I honestly believe that we would have had a great relationship with me as an adult because I think our conversations would have been a lot more honest and I would have loved to know that side of my mother.

But for those of us who didn’t fare as well in these relationships, there is hope and healing. It is important to know you are not alone. To those who have trouble understanding, please listen and don’t put these daughters on trial because they challenge what you would like to believe about mothering and motherhood.

We will inevitably repeat the sins of our fathers and mothers if we do not forgive. I see it again and again, sometimes in deeply personal ways. Speaking to my therapist has helped me deal with all my feelings about my mother. You need to grieve your losses. Making peace with my mother is God work, precisely because it’s hard. But in truth, that’s what is required: a gut-honest accounting of the wounds received. You can’t release debts without naming the debts. So I had to allow that, and then work beyond it.

I am learning to process a lot of my feelings about our relationship. I do not blame my mother. I do not blame her because I think a lot of how she was a mother to me had to do with how she was raised and her life experiences. Life wasn’t always kind to my mother and I think in a lot of ways she hardened because of it. She did the best she knew. Many of us struggle with mothers who struggle and have struggled with their own brokenness.

The first step to healing is acknowledgement and then we start to forgive and heal.


There are no allies. We are all we have.

So for some time now I have been thinking about allies and what it really means in the lives of the marginalised according to race (so take what I’m saying and apply it to all situations). Allies by definition have a mutual interest and provide equitable benefits to each other. When talking about race and white people saying they are allies to black people, how does that work? We do not have the same goal.

The way many of us use “ally” suggests an outsider’s support, which is not anything close to mutual benefit. Being outside supporters allows you the ease to divest from the “cause” when it becomes inconvenient for you. My black skin isn’t going anywhere. Me being a woman isn’t going anywhere. LGBT people are not going anywhere. So when we say we are allies, are we really and do we understand what it entails?

“Allies” cannot help but rely on the privileges that make them outsiders. The world is not set up to allow you to divest your privilege. As such, you will always have an unfair advantage. Having such privileges, whether you want them or not, does not allow you the opportunity to truly form a mutually beneficial allegiance with black people or LGBT people.

Question is what benefit does the freedom and true liberation of black people have for anyone else? It benefits no one else but us. If being an ally is defined as two groups working together toward mutually beneficial goals, what do white people get out of it? People have died and are willing to die for the liberation of black people……….are you as an ally willing if that is what it takes?

For many people who call themselves allies, their self-interest will always trump true freedom. This freedom will be supported as long as it doesn’t hurt them in the process and the minute the fight gets in the way of what allies want for themselves, all bets are off.

Allies have a way of offering help by saying “how can I help you?” Shouldn’t it be “do you need help? What kind of help do you need?” The first way centres yourself as an ally. So what am I saying? It’s important that you stop being outside allies who can walk away at any time. You need to take to the streets when we do. Get to know us and not use us as props to show you are doing well. There is no mutual benefit here, so are you still willing?

It’s like white woman feminism.

White feminism is a form of feminism that focuses on the struggles of white women while failing to address the distinct forms of oppression often faced by women of colour and women lacking other privileges.

White women call themselves allies to black women ONLY when we are fighting about women’s issues in the face of misogyny. When black women fight about issues we face as black women in the face of white supremacy, white women allies are nowhere to be found. See, black women rally and fight for everyone. We fight for ALL women but as soon as we talk about issues black women face, white women have a problem.

The other issue is that black women don’t have the freedom of choosing either their race or gender the way white women can. They use their gender when they see fit, but ultimately still choosing race over gender. I see them in the streets shouting about feminism, but where have they been when Black mothers were mourning the murders of their sons? Where were these feminists when mothers at Standing Rock were attacked with children in hand? Where are these feminists when immigrant mothers are threatened to be sent back to their countries? Why doesn’t their feminism extend that far? Is it because even fighting for equality comes with access and privilege?

There has always been hypocrisy about who gets to speak truth to power.

It really is like what happened to Tumi Morake. Those comments she made about apartheid were not wrong. They are things lots of people have said before, some white people have echoed her sentiments before. 702 anchor Stephen Grootes says furniture shop Eric Barnard Meubels is using economic power to bully Jacaranda FM because of statements made by Tumi (who pulled advertising from Jacaranda FM). Grootes says economic apartheid is still in place in South Africa. He says if South Africans are going to use their power to boycott companies accused of state capture, they must do the same to companies using economic power against people who speak the truth.

It’s similar to what happened to Jemele Hill and the comments she made about Trump and got heat for them. When Miss Texas, a white woman, said the same thing about Trump, she was celebrated and praised for being so brave.

Now what she said was correct and it is a correct use of privilege on her part, but I am beyond over white progressives scoring accolades for saying things that Black people have been pointing out forever. It reinforces white exceptionalism and makes it so that black people continuously get lambasted for saying the exact same thing.

I always think about this when I hear someone say that “we are all we got.” I’ve always mentally placed an asterisk right next to we, mentally taking note that specifically, if you are a Black woman, it is other Black women that are all we got. Any sense of love, peace, and — most importantly — justice is never just merely given to us. Not readily anyway. Not by our community (I wrote on my thought about the lack of support black women get from black men here) and not by the world at large. We often have to rely on ourselves for these things.

Not on my watch.


Let me get it out.

I need to address the children at the back of the class. The people who are still wet behind the ears when it comes to this music and hip hop ish. Let me talk to you real quick.

Missy Elliott is one of the greatest.

I could literally stop right here, there is nothing more to add but I saw something that caused such confusion that I had to speak on it. I saw a comment on one of these many social media app where a young human being compared Missy Elliott to Nicki Minaj. When I tell you I let out a hearty chuckle, till I realized that other young human being joined in and agreed, so I have decided to teach this afternoon.

Look. Ms Minaj is a talent in her own right. She has created and mastered a lane all for herself and none of us can deny it. She has done amazing things and has surpassed a lot of rappers, these are the facts and we are not disputing them.


If you want to compare Nicki to anybody, you save that for these newer girls. The Iggy’s and Azealia’s of the world, you save those conversation for these newer acts. The problem with you young humans who are just getting hip to hip hop and music in general, every time a new act comes out you instantly want to compare them to someone else. It’s always about how this new act can’t be like someone else, or how someone else does it better and its all #StanWars and telling people to drown while defending your “fav”. Like some of you are really embarrassing, do your parents know you talk like this on the internet? I would be so ashamed if I knew any of you.

Lets get a few facts out here.

Nicki came on the rap scene when female rap was quiet as can be. Remy Ma was in jail, Lil Kim was just going through the most after her prison time, I think Foxy was also in jail, Eve was somewhere in Europe living life….like nothing was happening in female rap. Lets state the facts. When Nicki came in, she filled the gap. Like in the beginning when she was shooting those hood videos, was freestyling and had the long ass nails, it was a breath of fresh air. Ever since then, every time another female rapper wants to come on the scene, its intantly about how she is not as good as Nicki.

It’s childish as hell but and ya’ll can play that game but who you will not compare her to, is Missy Elliott.

Class is now in session.

Missy Elliott came onto the music scene in the early 90’s. Bet you didn’t even know that. Missy started in a girl group called Sista, where she recruited a friend called Timothy to make beats for the group. Missy dropped her first solo album called “Supa Dupa Fly” with the first single “The Rain” in 1997, mind you, this was the Biggie/Tupac era, when they had just passed.

That was a time in music, where there were countless women rapping. You had Kim, Foxy, Trina, Lyte, Latifah, Eve, Yoyo, Left Eye, Da Brat, like all these women where all successful at the same time. Most of them didn’t even like each other but do you wanna know who they all loved? Missy Elliott.

You remember earlier when I mentioned Timothy? Ya, you young human beings know him as Timbaland. He has produced tracks for EVERYBODY!

Not only did Missy create and produce 6 PLATIMUN solo albums and impeccable features for other artists, she also wrote and produced for acts such as Aaliyah, Jodeci, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Janet Jackson, SWV, 702, Destinys Child, P Diddy, New Edition, Total, Spice Girl Mel B, Nas, N’Sync, Trina, Mary J Blige, Ciara, Monica and Beyoncé to name a few.

Listen!!! What you will not compare Nicki Minaj to Missy Elliott. I will not have it.

Remember when Katy Perry performed at the Super Bowl and she bought Missy Elliott out? Like Missy was Katy’s guest and all people could talk about was Missy, like how do you get upstaged at your own show? When that “Lose Control” beat dropped, everyone lost it.

What you young humans won’t do, is disrespect Melissa, I will not have it.

I will not play this game with you. Not when she has 5 Grammy Awards, 22 MTV Music Video Awards, not when she has 4 American Music Awards, 20 ASCAP Rhythm and Soul Awards and all her albums are platinum.

What you WILL do is respect Missy Elliott.

Not when she introduced us to Tweet and Jazmine Sullivan. Not when she sings, raps, acts and can DANCE like no other and will show out on a stage, today, yesterday and a few years from now!

You will RESPECT her!!!! What you won’t do is compare her to ANYBODY!!! Because much like your “fav” Nicki, Missy has created a lane and an empire that men and women in rap, country, gospel and pop envy. Did you even know Missy wrote for Karen Clark Sheard? She had the Clark Sisters on her album, like what are you talking about?!

She has people from all walk of life, all backgrounds and ethnicity from all parts of the world playing her music, you will not TRY Missy, NOT ON MY WATCH!!!!

What you will do is take all these notes and head over to iTunes, Vevo, Spotify and get into an album! Start in order, Supa Dupa Fly, then Da Real World, Missy E, So Addictive, Under Construction, This Is Not A Test, The Cookbook and Respect M.E because what you will not do is disrespect Melissa. NOPE


If you want to play that game that there can be only hot artist in a genre at a time, save it for these new girls, not Melissa.

You won’t try Missy because she is nobody’s female rapper, she is a musical ICON and LEGEND!!Respect and know her! That is your homework!

Oh my goodness, I didn’t EVEN get into the music videos.

Missy Elliott has NEVER in her life played with a music video, NEVER!!! Back when MTV had Making the Video and we would tape it and watch so we could all figure out how she did those videos. You won’t TRY Missy!!!!!

Know her because I will swiftly dry the moisture behind those young ears! Know her and get into an album with those 90’s tracks sounding like they just dropped today, AHEAD OF HER TIME!!!

You remember the Gossip Folks video!!?!?!?!?!?!


Remember she even made that little white girl famous?


Ya’ll remember Lady Marmalade?! She got a Grammy for producing and just calling their names in the record!!!


“Speech is of time, silence is of eternity”.

That is a quote from Thomas Carlyle.


I was on twitter one of these days and I found myself in a conversation where people were talking about the silent treatment. People where sharing about how they have been on the receiving end and how they have been the one giving it. I then read someone saying that the silent treatment is abusive.

That got me thinking.

As someone who has been on the receiving and giving end of it and to be completely honest I never thought about it beyond my reasons of giving it at the time. I never thought about how I felt getting it, basically if someone decided to not talk to me, it was fine because chances are I was not talking to you either or I was not even going to bother asking you why.

My reasoning was simple, if you have a problem with me, you are an adult, use your words to tell me because if you don’t I will not take the time to figure it out. This used to be my approach.

My reasoning for giving someone the silent treatment was really because it just made sense to me to keep quiet then address you because if I did, chances are it wouldn’t end well because in as much I can give the silent treatment, I can be very vocal when needed.

I can be the first to admit that it isn’t a very mature approach to dealing with situations but I am honest enough to admit that it is something I am unlearning, I am learning to communicate better and I am honest enough to admit that I am flawed……

I thought about all the times I have experienced and given people the silent treatment and I realise that it was not helpful…nothing about that approach was healthy at all. It didn’t make the situation better, if anything, it just made it worse, nothing was ever dealt with or resolved and relationships where never the same.

Now, I for one champion silence, in that it can be good. Just taking your time to be quiet and figure out your emotions but I can see how there are degrees where it can be abusive.

You think about it, silent treatment is a way of inflicting pain on someone without visibly hurting them. Like it hurts. Whether you are receiving it or giving it, it hurts. Excluding and ignoring people as a way to punish them for something they have done to you, is done without realizing the harm you are actually inflicting on the other person.

Now, don’t mistake this for cutting people out of your life who are simply no good. There is a difference. If you are bringing negativity and just uggggg, I will remove you from my life and I am unapologetic about it.

In a relationship, any relationship not just romantic, the silent treatment really decreases satisfaction for both people in the relationship, like it pretty much affects intimacy in the relationship because you are not talking to this other person and it makes it impossible to communicate in a way that is healthy and meaningful.

Thing is, no one engages in the silent treatment thinking that it will damage their relationship and there is lies the problem. Being noticed is very close to being loved, that they can feel the same so imagine what it does to a person when they are being ignored by you?

Then I thought about what it does to the person giving the silent treatment. If you think about it, it’s an avoidance method that affects how you communicate with people. It also means that all you are doing is bottling up your feelings and not really dealing with how you are feeling in a healthy way.

Let’s talk about what this looks like in a romantic situation:

It starts with silence and that is painful. It makes you feel worthless and hopeless. So it really just means this is another relationship that just ended, just like that. It’s hard because you want to question this other person, you want answers and an explanation of what is actually going on, but you don’t get one. And you also don’t ask for one.

It boils down to stubbornness. No one wants to make the first move and before you know it hours turn to days, turn to weeks……. At the end you will be left with what could have been if you just broke the silence.

It’s because you were stubborn and didn’t want to act like you needed them, and you thought you were making a point. You think you can out do this other person, but you keep it going for so long, you lose each other and you are both losers in this situations.

The silent treatment is caused by a combination of hurt feelings and an inability or unwillingness to talk about them. It is scary and cruel.

The point is I am growing up and I am learning to do better and be better in terms of all of my relationships.

All day, err’ day

A few Sundays ago, my Pastor gave such a good Word. Sheesh, the Word was on time and really needed, basically my Pastor went ALL the way in. The title of the message was called “Understanding Holiness” and it was fire flame emoji’s. There is so much I could say about the sermon but I will need for ya’ll to check it out so you can just get your life.

So let me start with what I started thinking about after church on Sunday. Let’s start in Revelation 4:8 which says, “each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying: “‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty,’ who was, and is, and is to come.”

The emphasis of the phrase “holy, holy, holy” is clearly on the holiness of God, but what does this mean? The holiness of God refers to His being “set apart” or distinct from all of creation. It describes something or someone set apart from all else.

I started thinking about the creature in that verse and what it is that led them to declare the holiness of God in that way. I also started thinking about what holiness and purity/morality are really all about and what it means for us as children of God. I realised that it comes down to relationship. “I will be your God, and you will be my people,”(Lev. 26:12; Heb. 8:10). So before any consideration of morality, biblical holiness describes a unique relationship that God has established and desires with his people. This relationship has moral ramifications, but it precedes moral behaviour. Before we are ever called to be good, we are called to be holy. Unless we rightly understand and affirm the primacy of this relationship, we fall into the inevitable trap of reducing holiness to mere morality.

C.S. Lewis expresses this so succinctly when he writes in “Mere Christianity” that Christianity” differs from ordinary ideas of ‘morality’ and ‘being good.’ …the whole of Christianity is ‘putting on Christ.’ Christianity offers nothing else.” Then elsewhere he writes,”…the Christian is in a different position from other people who are trying to be good. …the Christian thinks that any good he does comes from the Christ-life inside him.”


The Lord Is Holy (Revelations 4:8)

As John looks he sees the four living creatures around the throne. Each of them have six wings and are full of eyes all around and within. But turn your attention away from what they look like and listen to what they say. “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.” How often do these four living creatures say these words? John tells us that these creatures say these words day and night. They never stop saying these words. Can you visualize the scene? Can you hear the repetition?

It must not be lost upon us this is the only characteristic of God that is repeated three times. We never read, “Love, love, love, is the Lord God Almighty.” We never read, “Anger, anger, anger, is the Lord God Almighty.” We never read, “Mercy, mercy, mercy, is the Lord God Almighty.” Consider how many characteristics of the Lord that could have been used to describe him. The quality that the four living creatures ascribe to the Lord is his holiness.

Notice that when his holiness is described, God’s power and authority is described with it. In Revelation 4:8 we read, “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty.” The one with all power, all authority, and all might is holy. In Isaiah 6 notice the same refrain, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts” or “Lord of armies.” Psalm 99 ties these two concepts of holiness and power together also.

God is “set apart” in the sense that He is separate from sin, corruption, and impurity. He is perfect in all ways; He is exceptional, in a category by Himself, unmatched by any other being or thing in the universe.

So what does this mean in terms of our relationship with him? I started to realised that I came to Him because I did not know which way to turn. I weighted the cost and saw that I was holistically sinful. And that only a perfect God could offer me salvation. When you think about it, sin is the issue plaguing a person, and it has an outward experience in how we live. Our actions which are not holy are the out working of a sinful nature.

The nature of sinning is bargaining. The question then becomes “what is the alternative” and if you are truly honest with yourself, you will see there is no alternative then to surrender to a holy God who will then begin the work of sanctification in you.

Because He is holy.

…………and that is why I am not ready to be a mother.




I have heard it time and time again from different people in my life how great of a mother I will be one day and I believe it with all of my being.


I have had this conversation with two groups of my friends on different occasions and both times I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready to have children. I listed various reasons for why I am not ready and all of them really have to do with how the world will embrace my children.

As a black woman, my children will be black and I know how the world treats black boys and black girls. I know this world will not embrace them the way I will. I know this world will not be nurturing to them like I will. I know this world will shut them down at every turn and every chance it gets. I know this world will spend time trying to break the sweet, gentle spirits of my black children and I know that I am not ready to be a mother.

So much has happened over the past couple of days and my reactions to those events have further confirmed that I am not ready to be a mother. From the crèche in Centurion, Sodwana Bay, The white woman ranting in Braamforntein about kaffirs, to the black men being killed by the police in the States, I am not ready.

I was telling my friends that being a mother to a black child will mean that I will be catching a case ever other day because they world is constantly trying black children. I told them that the crèche would have got all the work from me after that picture surfaced. I remember that it hurt my heart because already from such a young age, that child was being taught and shown in a subtle way that they are different. They cannot even sit at the same table and eat cupcakes like the other children, the message to the little black child was to show them how different they are.

As a black mother, I would be spending time affirming my child only to have the world show and tell them something else.

I remember how angry and sad it made me all at once because I realized that,  that little black child had a black mother who was gutted. To know that when you baby boy or baby girl puts on their uniform you need to hug them extra tight because you don’t know what ways the world will try them.

Over the past two days, two black men were gunned down and killed by police officers in those United States of America. Two black men, fathers, husbands, brothers, friends…….children, were killed for doing nothing wrong. They were killed in the most violent of ways and all we are left with the unsettling feeling of knowing it’s because they were black.

Being black was enough to get them killed.

Today, the 7th of July 2016, has been a hard day.

I sat on the bus and cried when I was watching Alton’s son cry during the family press conference. Watching that black boy cry from the depth of his soul over his father was really heart-breaking. To know that he will forever know how his father died, with no cause, just violence and anger.

I know I am not ready to be a mother because I am afraid of what this world will do to my black children and I do not know how I can go about protecting them.

There is so much that gets put on black children by the world of how they will be deemed worthy.

Think about class issues.

It means having to think about how the class of my life, which in term will be the class of my children’s life will set them apart. I heard a conversation between two friends and it was basically summed up to say that class matters when police are killing black people. They said there is a class of black people who are being targeted because the police believe they can kill them with little to no consequence.

I thought about what they were saying and it made me sad because I can see why some black people can reason that way.

The problem with that means I have to teach my children something that I think is wrong. Imagine this argument being made that while we are afraid as middle class black people, our degrees and social standings will save us…….to some extent. This is wrong.

This is the horrible classed truth of the matter, that it is largely not middle class and up black people being killed by the police. And this is why respectability politics become such as easy, although incorrect, coping mechanism. We distance ourselves, we become exceptional. Delude ourselves into thinking and believing that the conditional “privileges” given to us will ultimately protect us.

They won’t.

My class, my family, my academic credentials, my network, my friends, do not make me infallible but they pad the vulnerabilities a little bit. When you learn about being black through this lens, it teaches you to savour the fact that “I am an EXCEPTIONAL black” and not like those other black people… children will be condescending individuals.

The other safety measure is having to teach my children to be excellent as a means to survive. We have been historically excellent and this has been historically erased all the time and our people have subsequent been called lazy…..

Whenever black excellence is bought up I always feel some type of way. I don’t really know how to explain it but I will try. Everything we do needs to be excellent in order to be taken seriously. Everything we do needs to be exceptional in order to even get a foot in the door. It’s that old age saying that you have to be twice as good in order to get half of what white people have.

So is this another safety measure I need to teach my children? They need to be excellent in order to be seen? The truth of the matter is that black people reserve the right to mediocrity. Why must we be excellent to justify our existence when other don’t have to?

Johnny can get by being mediocre but not my children, they need to be great in order to justify where they are and what they have and I do not want to teach that to my children. A world that only embraces them when they are exceptional seems tough. The trouble with this line of thinking is that it means you can’t fail or succeed in peace….you are constantly being monitored. Black failure is so heavy and final and no one talks about this pressure…….so what about my children?

I want to be able to tell my children to be and do whatever they want but the world will not let them. The world will monitor them at every turn.

We are enough!!!!

It’s the idea of the talented tenth.

Du Bois used the term “the talented tenth” to describe the likelihood of one in ten black men becoming leaders of their race in the world, through methods such as continuing their education, writing books, or becoming directly involved in social change. He strongly believed that blacks needed a classical education to be able to reach their full potential.

“The Negro race, like all races, is going to be saved by its exceptional men. The problem of education, then, among Negroes must first of all deal with the Talented Tenth; it is the problem of developing the Best of this race that they may guide the Mass away from the contamination and death of the Worst.” We already know that this hasn’t saved black men from being brutalised and marginalised.


It shouldn’t have to be this way.


All of this bought me back to what has been happening over the past couple of weeks. Lives of husbands, fathers and children lost and changed.

I worry for children I do not have yet………

……and that is why I am not ready to be a mother……let alone a wife to a black man.

As a card carrying member, I’m sick of the hate.

I really didn’t want to do this but I am so over people coming for Drake. Let me start by saying that I am a card carrying member of Team Drizzy Drake and I am tired of all of the haters. Like, I really am not understanding what the problem is.


Let’s start with the “ghost writer” claims.

Riddle me this, how on earth can Quinton Miller be a “ghost writer” if we know his name? A ghost writer like the name suggests, is someone who is unknown. We knew about Quinton, it’s not a secret. If you read any of the album credit you clearly see him name listed on the tracks, so again, how on earth is he is ghost writer?

So let’s talk about the hip hop/ rap game principles.

A lot of people were upset about the ghost writer/reference tracks because they felt that it was breaking the most important rule of the rap game. Now when you look at this claims in reference to the rap game, then yes, it is a legitimate claim and a legitimate statement to point out that one of the hottest acts out there isn’t writing his own lyrics. It was hateful but I can understand especially in a competitive market place, to let it be known that the guy who is winning is “cheating”.

Now let’s just tell the truth.

Song writers and ghost writers have existed in hip hop ever since there was hip hop, let’s just keep it all the way real. If ya’ll really want to play this game then a lot of our favourite rappers WILL be found wanting. Ghost writing is hip hop’s dirty little secret. If people want to start caring, then we will crack this thing wide open, shake it and see what falls out. The other reality is that artist are never in studios alone. So you could be rapping and someone throws you a line or an idea and you put it on a verse, like please be serious.

When it comes to great MC’s, Drake was never mentioned. He was always mentioned as a great artist, a great musician, even a great singer (he sings circles around some of these girlies), a great hit record maker, but never a great MC. No one was ever mentioning Drake in the same category as J Cole, K. Dot or even Lupe when it came to being a great MC. Whenever fans would argue about who they liked best, it was about the music they liked, about who made the hits and big songs, but never pound for pound bars because that is not what Drake does. Don’t get me wrong, even on the records where he raps and doesn’t sing as much, his bars are nice, Drake is nice, but he is not one of the greatest MC’s. The conversation about the best lyricist didn’t really consist of Drake.

Views is Drake’s latest offering and the album has gone platinum and then some on pure sales (the streams push the number higher, but with pure sales alone, it’s platinum), and when I went back and looked at all of his numbers over the past couple of years, I see what the problem really is.

This is where the hate comes in.

I can understand the frustration of most MC’s that the guy who is the most popular is also breaking the most important rule in the rap game. But the question they need to ask themselves is what Drake popular is with. It’s with number 1 radio hits and jams. Like I would understand if it was Nas who had a co-writer because when people think and talk about Nas, it’s the bars. But this has always been a frustration in hip hop, it’s not new where the “true MC” doesn’t get the accolades that they should from the mainstream because the mainstream doesn’t care.

When the reference track/ghost writer claims came out, most people didn’t care and you want to know how we could all tell? Drake moved heavy numbers when the new album came out, nobody cares. Mainstream doesn’t care who writes the raps, they care about who makes the hottest songs.

And for me, as a card carrying member of Team Drizzy Drake, I did not care because I understand why I love Drake as an artist.

Then there was the Sprite ad from last year that, after the fact, made people feel some type of way. The spirit ad featured Drake, Nas and Sprite released a line of limited-edition cans featuring 16 classic hip-hop lyrics from Rakim and B.I.G. Now people felt a way but here is my thing, never has hip hop ever let a corporate brand dictate who the top MC calibre was. So to see people upset, I’m like bruh, it’s Sprite, chill out. Let’s not act like Sprite has that authority because they don’t. Its ya’lls fault for letting Sprite make you feel some type of way.


So let’s get back to what people are really upset about.

Meek Mill.

The problem with Meek Mill is that he thought that making a big spectacle about this was doing to do something. The reality is Meek played himself because Drake is popular. This is what people don’t realise. Meek came for the popular guy and thought people would rally behind him and it didn’t happen. So, what’s a reference track? I’m glad you asked, we already answered that too. Long story short it’s a rough draft of a song that a songwriter passes along for the main artist to use as a….you guessed it…reference when they record the official version of the song.

What happened was Drake didn’t even address the situation but rather clowned him on other things and that’s what people focused on. No one cares because Drake did what he does best, which is entertain and give us great songs filled with quotables. (Is that a world tour or your girl’s tour?)

The truth is if Drake wasn’t so popular and moving all these albums, no one would care. If his was some obscure rapper, no one would be coming for him like this, so really, people are haters. They are made because OVO is on the come up. They made because he is selling out shows. They made because he is getting that Apple money.

I read someone say people are mad because Drake is cheating but I don’t think that is true.

People are talking about all three reference tracks that they apparently have but the reality is that only three of them have surfaced. Three. Only three. So you mean to tell me with 4 platinum albums and multiple platinum mixtapes, all you have is three reference tracks? Three tracks and you want people to discredit Drake? People want to throw out “Legend” by PND, but he was credited for that so no, PND didn’t ghost write “Legend”. A songwriter gets official credit on a song, making them eligible to earn publishing money and awards. A ghost writer does not. PND is credited as a producer and writer on “Legend,” therefore he did not ghost-write “Legend” for Drake. It’s that simple.

So again, three tracks, really?!

And let’s talk about “Back 2 Back”, how come Drake was able to deliver even when people where doubting him? I heard someone make the example about Tom Brady and the whole inflated ball saga. Bruh, Tom Brady went all the way to the Super bowl, stood toe to toe and beat you, deflation and all. He lined up against you and beat you. Same with Drake, ya’ll want to say he cheated but he lined up toe to toe with Meek and Meek couldn’t take him out, Meek couldn’t beat him. So what the answer? Maybe he did cheat, but MAYBE he is also better than you too.

So who are ya’ll really mad at though?!